Eight everyday habits that separate thriving couples from the rest.
Most couples who have taken our Relationship Strength Assessment have a pretty solid base – with an average score of 67%. What’s really interesting, is what separates the struggling couples from the ones who are thriving.
Our analysis has boiled it down to eight simple yet powerful habits you can do everyday – without grand gestures, loads of money or adding hours to your busy week.
We call these The Vital 8. And this guide walks you through each one, explaining why it matters, and what you can do next.
Each vital habit has a handful of helpful links for taking action, and further reading.
If you find this resource useful, and would like further support – feel free to learn more about couples counselling and how I work.
Strong Couples Do The Vital 8
The first batch of data from the Relationship Strength Assessment has been analysed and from more than a hundred assessments, we analysed over seventy item-level behaviours. For this report we ranked each item by how strongly it separated stronger couples from struggling couples, and how closely it tracked with overall relationship strength. Then we grouped the top patterns into eight simple habits – The Vital 8.
Now you can do a quick check-up across the vital 8, and know exactly where you stand – and what to do.
– Noting that correlation, is not causation.
Why The Vital 8 Matter
These are the habits that strong couples share.
Our data has unearthed the things that make the biggest difference between struggling couples and thriving couples.
If you are ‘flashing red’ on any of these ‘vitals’ – take notice. Improving them, even in a small way can have a big impact on your relationship.
You can think of these ‘vitals’ like a dashboard for your relationship – and they all matter.
The Vital 8: Quick Self Check
1. Handle Small Things Early
Ask yourself: Do we raise small issues early, before they turn into bigger problems?
Why it matters: Avoid little issues turning into big problems.
What you can do: Have a weekly couples catch-up – A short guided chat with a purpose, including:
- Raise small things early
- Get on the same page
- Connect with your values
- Share what you’re grateful for
- Reflect on what’s working well.
- Support each other and feel like you’re on the same team.
2. Repair After Conflict
Ask yourself: Do we have a predictable repair step after a conflict?
Why it matters: Having a disagreement isn’t necessarily the problem – but staying in a state of rupture is.
What you can do: A combination of things can make a big difference including:
- Lowering your defenses
- Knowing when to take a time out
- Staying calm – and saying the right thing at the right time – with Smooth Conversations
- Noticing the warning signs – with greater self awareness
3. Share Quality Time Together
Ask yourself: Do we share quality time each week, where we can connect and feel close?
Why it matters: Spending quality time together allows your relationship to flourish.
What you can do: Set aside blocks of quality time, and prioritise time together without being distracted.
- Understand the benefits of quality time
- Have deeper conversations – connected couples conversations
- Have fun together – try something new
4. Show Appreciation Often
Ask yourself: Do we share a specific appreciation with each other most days?
Why it matters: ‘Small things often’ is what it’s all about. From daily praise and small expressions of gratitude to sharing and celebrating significant milestones together.
What you can do: Checking in with each other throughout the day, Share a Love Spark daily, or why not write a love letter? Other ideas to show your appreciation include:
- Love yourself first – to love your partner more
- Get started with gratitude and tune in to your partner
5. Create Shared Meaning
Ask yourself: Are we aligned on our values and does our relationship have a direction toward something that matters?
Why it matters: When you agree on why – the ‘what and how’ gets easier.
What you can do: Understand what makes you tick, and have deeper conversations with your partner.
6. Manage Boundaries for Reducing Stress
Ask yourself: Do we set and manage our boundaries so outside stress doesn’t fracture our relationship?
Why it matters: Stress from work, children, and other life commitments can drive a wedge between you. Setting and managing boundaries creates a safe space for you and your relationship.
What you can do: Set a boundary on something that’s been disrupting your relationship.
- Learn about your Window of Tolerance
- Discover and practice ‘How to say No’
- Explore Life Balance and what might need to change
7. Turn Towards Your Partner
Ask yourself: When one of us reaches out (a bid for connection), does the other usually turn toward and respond positively?
Why it matters: Missed bids for connection make you slowly drift apart. Turning toward each other, even during difficult times is key for rekindling the relationship after a setback, and securing the relationship.
What you can do: Reach out to your partner, ask how you can support them, share a laugh, and get through a sticking point with a Smooth Conversation.
- Respond maturely, by turning toward your partner.
- Learn how to be a good listener
- Pick up what you’re partner’s putting down
8. Mini Moments of Intimacy
Ask yourself: Do we make regular, small loving gestures for intimacy each day? (speaking warmly, showing kindness, and affectionate touch)
Why it matters: Small loving gestures, show you care and leave the door open for connection, deeper communication, warm affection and fulfilling intimacy.
What you can do: Share a kiss, have a longer hug, cuddle on the couch.
- Explore the return to innocence – if showing affection feels hard.
- Practice patience and learn what your partner likes most.
- Listen together: Loving affirmations – inspired by Love Sparks
Bringing it All Together
How did you go? If you’ve scanned the Vital 8 and checked how you’re travelling, you’ve already done the most important step – noticing what matters.
Now, pick one or two small habits to improve on over the next fortnight. Keep it simple and repeatable.
Not sure where to start?
You can’t go wrong with a Weekly Couples Catch-up, A simple, smart way to get back on the same page, and turn Vital 8 intentions into action.
If you’d like relationship support – that’s what I do. I’m a couples counsellor on the Mornington Peninsula (near Melbourne) and I help partners repair and reconnect each day.
When deeper layers are in play, like broken trust, betrayal/infidelity, trauma triggers, mental health, stress, communication breakdowns, or gridlocked issues – reaching out for professional support is a smart move. Learn more and get in touch today.
