The Problem with Perfect
And Why The Pursuit of Excellence is Better
The Problem with Perfect
There are lots of things we can aim for in a relationship – connection, honesty, fun, trust. But should perfection be one of them?
Honestly? Probably not.
Here’s why: Aiming for perfection in your relationship (or in yourself) almost always sets you up for failure. And not just a little slip-up kind of failure, but the kind that makes you feel like you’re not enough, even when you’re giving it your all.
Perfection is almost always ‘impossible’. Especially when it comes to ourselves, and our partners. You see, not one of us is ‘perfect’! Not you. Not your partner. Not even that couple who looks like they have it all together on Instagram.
Perfection Creates Pressure
When you expect, or aim for perfection from yourself or your partner, you create a dynamic where even the smallest mistake feels like a big deal.
One wrong word, or one forgotten date, and suddenly it feels like everything is broken.
That’s a heavy way to live.
But here’s the good news – there’s a better target to aim for instead: excellence.
Excellence still encourages growth. It invites effort and helps you set standards. But it also leaves room for being human.
In a relationship, that looks like:
- Being a good listener, and giving each other grace when someone has a bad day.
- Talking and working through arguments rather than ‘avoiding’ or pretending you never fight.
- Acknowledging the effort your partner is making instead of criticising what they’re not.
Excellence Encourages Growth Together
Excellence says, “We’re not perfect, but we’re committed.”
It’s about being open to learning from your mistakes, both as individuals and as a couple. It’s recognising that every tough conversation, every misstep, and every repair attempt is part of building something stronger.
Couples who pursue excellence don’t crumble under pressure. They evolve. They become stronger.
They know how to set their standards (yes, we have a whole article on that) and refine them together, rather than holding each other to rigid, unrealistic expectations.
But I Want to Be the Best Partner I Can Be!
That’s great! Just don’t confuse being the best, with being perfect.
The pursuit to be the “perfect partner” is likely driving your partner away.
The perfection is likely to be fuelling self-criticism, blame, or experiencing waves of constant disappointment. So, it’s time to pause and reframe. This mindset isn’t serving you, or your relationship.
Let’s shift the focus to excellence instead. When you do, something powerful happens.
You become:
- More self-motivated
- More understanding
- More emotionally available
And you start to lead with compassion, clarity, and courage, not anxiety and fear.
You stop worrying about flawless behaviour, and loosen your grip, allowing for a partnership that can breathe, thrive, and grow.
Reflection Questions – For You or With Your Partner
Take 10–15 minutes now to explore these questions:
- Where do you see perfectionism showing up in your relationship?
- What impact does it have on your connection, communication, or intimacy?
- What would it look like to replace perfection with a pursuit of excellence instead?
- Picture it: how would you speak to each other differently? How would it feel?
- How can you gently turn down the volume of your inner critic and embrace a more supportive, growth-focused mindset?
Closing Thought
Remember, you don’t have to lower your standards. Just adjust your expectations.
Excellence still invites you to reach high, but it does so in alignment with your values, perhaps guided by kindness and wisdom, not out of fear of getting it wrong.
Try it and see! Let go of perfect for the next two weeks, and grow toward something better. Loving Excellence.
Use your journal. Reflect, and write down any breakthrough realisations this shift has had for you. Well done and good luck in your new pursuit of excellence!
