Getting Started with the Emotions Explorer
A simple guide for couples who want to understand themselves and each other more clearly
Relationships by nature are emotional. So having a way to explore and navigate our emotions together makes sense.
Emotions are also notoriously hard to pinpoint and describe accurately. Even when we can name and describe them, their meaning can still be interpreted differently by someone else.
No wonder feelings often get swept under the rug and dismissed.
At its core the Emotions Explorer gives you a visual way to explore 13 emotion categories and 87 emotions and experiences, inspired by Brené Brown in Atlas of the Heart.
As you explore, you’ll find more accurate words for what you’re feeling and begin to understand what may be happening under the surface.
You don’t need to be perfect. It’s about becoming more aware, curious, and able to respond with care, rather than react from pain or fear.
What's Driving Couples' Arguments?
Even when an argument appears to be about something obvious, like chores, parenting, money, sex, trust, communication, or who said what, there is often something deeper happening underneath.
One partner may be feeling hurt, dismissed, criticised, lonely, ashamed, rejected, overwhelmed, or afraid.
The other may be feeling blamed, pressured, defensive, unappreciated, confused, or as though they can never quite get it right.
But in the moment, those deeper feelings often come out as:
- “I’m angry.”
- “I’m frustrated.”
- “I’m over it.”
- “You never listen.”
- “Forget it!”
The Emotions Explorer helps you discover the ‘places you go’ during these times, and explore what’s really happening beneath the surface.
Why Emotional Awareness Matters in Relationships
Many couples get stuck because they are reacting to the surface emotion.
For example, one partner may sound angry, but underneath that anger there may be hurt, fear, grief, disappointment, loneliness, shame, or a sense of rejection.
Another partner may seem distant or uncaring, but underneath that withdrawal there may be overwhelm, uncertainty, shame, fear of conflict, or simply not knowing how to respond.
When we only react to what we see on the outside, we often miss what is happening on the inside.
That is where emotional awareness becomes so helpful.
When you can name what you are feeling more clearly, you have a better chance of pausing, reflecting, and choosing a more loving response, that honours your relationship. This is a skill.
You can begin to ask yourself:
- What am I really feeling here?
- What is this emotion trying to show me?
- Am I reacting from hurt, fear, shame, resentment, or protection?
- What would help me respond with more care and clarity?
This is where mindfulness begins in relationships.
Noticing the emotion gives you a small space between the feeling and the reaction.
In that space, you may be able to soften, listen, take a breath, ask a better question, or say something more honest. By doing so, you can shift the conversation away from blame and towards understanding.
Start with the Home Screen: “Where do I go?”
The best place to begin is the Home – Emotion Categories screen.
This screen shows the 13 broad emotional categories. You can think of them as emotional “places we go” when different things happen in life and relationships.
For example:
- Things Are Uncertain or Too Much
- We Feel Wronged
- We’re Hurting
- We Fall Short
- Life Is Good
- With Others
- We Compare
Simply browse the categories and notice “where you go…”
And for a focus on your relationship, a simple question you might ask yourself is:
“Where do I tend to go emotionally when things feel hard between us?”
Then see what you notice…
Here are some simple examples to help you begin:
- If you feel reactive, resentful, or defensive, you may start with We Feel Wronged.
- If you feel sad, rejected, or emotionally down, you may start with We’re Hurting.
- If you feel tender, vulnerable, trusting, betrayed, or emotionally flooded, you may explore The Heart Is Open.
From this screen, you do not need to know the exact emotion straight away.
Simply start with the category that feels closest, open the card, and then notice which emotion words stand out.
Open the Detailed Emotion Cards to Get More Precise
Once you open a category, you can explore the emotions inside it.
Each emotion includes a definition, notes, and a collection of insights to help you understand the differences between emotions, along with key nuances drawn from Brené Brown’s research and other related work.
These details matter, because many people use broad emotional words when something more specific is happening underneath.
Example Emotion Cards from the Emotion Explorer
For example:
- Saying “I’m stressed” may actually be more accurately described as overwhelm, anxiety, worry, or dread.
- Saying “I feel sad” may actually be closer to grief, hopelessness, despair, or anguish.
Notice the difference? Even a small shift in language can change the whole conversation.
Here are a few more examples:
- Saying “I’m angry” may actually be resentment, contempt, disgust, or a deep feeling of being wronged.
- Saying “I feel bad” may actually be guilt, shame, humiliation, or embarrassment.
- Saying “I feel distant” may actually be loneliness, invisibility, insecurity, or disconnection.
The more precise you can be, the more useful the conversation becomes.
Use the “All Emotions by Category” Screen to Find Emotions Quickly
The All Emotions by Category screen is helpful when you want to scan all the emotions quickly and see what stands out.
They are still grouped by their category, and you can use the different colours to guide you.
This view is handy when:
- you already know the emotion word you are looking for
- you want to compare similar emotions
- you want to see the big picture and where emotions sit.
- you are trying to find a more accurate word than “angry”, “sad”, “stressed”, etc.
This can be especially helpful before a difficult conversation.
You might spend a few moments scanning the list and gently asking yourself:
“Which word feels closest to what I am actually feeling?”
Then, once you find an emotion that fits, you can open it and learn more about it.
Sometimes just finding the matching emotion brings relief. Helping you feel less confused and more in-tune with your experience.
You may also be feeling more than one emotion at one time, or be going through a range of emotions at any given time, in any order! And yes, this is all part of being human.
Questions for Personal Reflection as You Browse Emotions
Use these prompts as a simple reflection exercise.
You might like to write down what you notice in your journal, or just use them to start a conversation with your partner.
Personal reflection prompts
- What am I actually feeling right now?
- Is it just one feeling, or am I feeling several things at the same time?
- Where do I tend to go emotionally when I’m under pressure, stressed or frustrated?
- Are there certain things that tend to trigger this feeling?
- What are these emotions trying to tell me?
- What may I be protecting, or avoiding?
Questions for Couples and Strengthening Relationships
Understand yourself first, then start a conversation.
For example, you might say:
- “I looked through the Emotions Explorer, and I think I’m feeling disconnected and insecure, not just angry…”
- “I realised I often feel lonely, and then jealous and resentful when we’re apart or we’ve had an argument..”
- “I go toward the ‘low energy + unpleasant’ quadrant when things get too much or aren’t going my way. Shame, hurt and regret live there, and that’s what I feel the most…”
- “Managing expectations really stood out for me. So did defensiveness. These emotions and “places we go” might help me examine my expectations more clearly, helping me to not become as critical or defensive so quickly…”.
- “I noticed I love everything in the Low energy and Pleasant quadrant – they remind me of a perfect Sunday with you…”
Start a conversation with your partner.
Use any of these prompts:
- What emotion best describes how you are feeling? (or felt)
- Is there more than one emotion? Describe the layers or collection of emotions.
- What do you usually do when you feel that way? Is it helpful?
- What do you wish I understood about that feeling?
And some questions that lead toward repair, connection, and a shared understanding.
- What helps you feel safer or more calm and available in that moment?
- And what makes the emotion or situation worse? What can we learn?
- What would help us both repair and move forward calmly?
- What’s an early warning sign we could both recognise, so we can choose a different path before things escalate?
These questions can help you arrive at a deeper shared understanding, by managing emotions, honouring each other, and asking for what you need.
Example: From Escalating Anger to Shared Understanding
A couple might begin by noticing that a small disagreement quickly turns into a bigger argument.
At first, it may seem like the main emotion is anger. One partner feels criticised and becomes defensive. The other feels dismissed and pushes harder to be heard. The energy rises quickly. Voices get sharper, old examples are brought into the conversation, and both people start reacting rather than listening.
Using the Emotions Explorer, they might begin by opening the category We Feel Wronged. Words like anger, resentment, contempt, or self-righteousness may stand out. This helps them name the first layer of what is happening.
But as they keep exploring, they may also notice other categories nearby. Under the anger, one partner may recognise hurt, loneliness, fear, shame, or a feeling of being unimportant. The other may notice stress, overwhelm, defensiveness, or a fear of failing.
They may also realise that the pattern has both emotional and behavioural parts. At first, the conflict is high-energy: blame, frustration, defensiveness, and trying to prove a point. But when repair does not happen, the energy drops. One or both partners may retreat into silence, shutdown, resignation, or emotional distance.
This becomes an important insight.
The problem is not just that anger shows up. The pattern is that anger escalates, defensiveness takes over, and then both people move away from repair.
With more reflection, they may begin to see why this happens. The current conflict may be touching older feelings from the past, such as rejection, not feeling good enough, not feeling safe, or not feeling valued. Everyday stress may make these feelings easier to trigger. Defensiveness may be trying to protect against shame. Withdrawal may be trying to avoid more hurt.
Once the couple can see this more clearly, the conversation can change.
Instead of saying:
“You never listen to me.”
One partner might be able to say:
“When this happens, I notice I get angry, but underneath that I think I feel hurt and unimportant.”
And instead of saying:
“Nothing I do is ever good enough.”
The other might be able to say:
“I think I get defensive because I feel like I’m failing, but I do want to understand what you need.”
This does not fix everything instantly, but it gives the couple a better place to begin.
With practice, they can start to pause earlier, recognise the emotional place they have gone to, and choose a more helpful response. They can practise compassion, empathy, curiosity, and a more positive focus, rather than falling straight into blame, protection, or retreat.
That is where emotional awareness really becomes useful. It helps couples move from reaction to reflection, and from repeated conflict towards shared understanding.
Use the Emotion Dimensions Grid to Refine the Vibe of the Feeling
Sometimes it’s hard to pinpoint the right emotion or set of emotions, and the ‘Places We Go’ screen might feel a bit restrictive at times.
This is where the Emotion Dimensions Grid can help.
Rather than starting with an emotion name, or a ‘Place We Go’, you can simply zone-in based on the ‘vibe’ you’re feeling.
First you’ll ask yourself:
Is this high-energy or low-energy? (top to bottom – the vertical axis on the grid)
And does it feel pleasant or unpleasant, (left to right – the horizontal axis on the grid)
There is also a centre space for mixed or neutral emotions.
Seeing all the emotions on the screen at once, laid out like this makes it easier to browse a collection of emotions in a broad yet powerful way.
In addition, there are 3 filters you can click to highlight further important traits these emotions carry.
Choose from the ‘Emotions’ ‘Cognitive’ and ‘Behaviour’ filters to highlight the emotions that carry these traits.
And while this is not an exact science, this process can help you see if what you are feeling and experiencing, is more of a feeling, a thinking pattern, or behaviour pattern.
These insights can be especially useful if you feel stuck in worry, or if you want to connect your emotions with body sensations and real-world behaviours.
This kind of emotional awareness is foundational for relationship repair and growth as a couple.
Let’s take a look at a couple of quick examples:
- Flooding, anger and insecurity can feel high-energy, and unpleasant.
- Shame, hurt and heartbreak can feel heavy, low, internal and unpleasant.
- Amusement and curiosity can feel high energy and pleasant.
- Calm, relief, and gratitude, are likely to feel pleasant, settled and spacious.
And don’t forget the central space, where a mix of complex emotions, behaviours and cognitive mindsets tend to live.
This screen can help you make a mental map of the emotions, and lets you explore common emotions, opposite emotions, and more complex emotional experiences.
Emotions Can Point to Your Life Values
You can also use the Emotions Explorer as a starting point for exploring your values.
For example you can ask questions like:
- What values might this emotion be referring to?
- If these emotions could speak – what would they say?
- What set of values are underneath the way I feel here?
Emotions often arise around something that matters.
Let’s take a closer look with some examples:
- If you feel hurt, or disappointed, perhaps you value love, connection, loyalty, kindness, honesty, trust, belonging and security.
- If you feel resentful, perhaps you value fairness, shared responsibility, courage or appreciation.
- If you feel angry, perhaps a boundary has been crossed or an important value has been compromised.
- If you feel lonely, perhaps you value connection, affection, presence, or quality time.
This is where the Emotions Explorer connects naturally with values work.
The Life Values Cards can help both individuals and couples explore what’s going on underneath their relationship patterns.
From recurring emotional patterns, drifting apart, to making sense of daily life; emotions and values are two essential foundations for healthy relationships.
When couples connect the dots here – there’s less blame, and repair happens sooner.
Instead of getting trapped in arguing about the surface issue, you can step back, connect the dot’s to the deeper needs, what’s really going on, and begin to understand what each person is really protecting, needing, or longing for.
Even with emotions and values out in the open there is a third essential piece for couples to work on: communication. That’s why we’ve got you covered with Smooth Conversations…
Express Emotions Calmly with Smooth Conversations
Once you have a clearer sense of what you are feeling, and some shared language for your emotions and values, the next step is learning how to talk about it well.
This is why we created Smooth Conversations. These cards are designed to help couples have more thoughtful, structured, and calm conversations.
Perfect for follow up conversations after exploring your emotions, talking through sensitive topics, defining your values, finding compromise and more.
Sometimes the right words are hard to find in the moment. Smooth Conversations gives you thoughtful prompts to draw on when you need them.
Use them to stay on track, be present, repair more easily, and get back on the same page.
When Deeper Support May be Needed
The Emotions Explorer helps you name what’s happening, and opens the door to deeper insights for healthier relationships and personal growth.
For many people, these insights, reflections and conversations might be all you need to make sense of a situation. However, when there are complex or compounding issues, and multiple layers to consider, then getting some further support is a wise move.
As I’ve touched on in this guide, emotions can be complex, and couples appreciate the guided support, especially when we delve into additional layers like values, communication, and other relationship challenges, such as infidelity, family stress, mental health concerns, and past trauma.
If extra support and a guided process would help, I encourage you to learn more about my Save My Marriage Program.
It’s the structured approach I use with all my couples who need deeper support.
It gives them a solid structure for this type of work, and is especially helpful when couples are dealing with more than one issue, or when the same patterns keep coming up.
I specialise in couples counselling, and help couples through common relationship challenges including:
- Understanding emotional triggers.
- Rebuilding trust after betrayal.
- Repairing communication breakdowns.
- Working through resentment.
- Setting and strengthening boundaries.
- Understanding and managing past trauma and how it affects the relationship.
- Learning healthier ways to respond before the conflict escalates.
- Creating a sense of safety, respect, and connection between you.
If any of those points hit home, click here to learn more about how I work, or learn more about the Save My Marriage Program.
And when you’re ready, reach out to get in touch.
Other Tools That Pair Well with the Emotions Explorer
The Emotions Explorer works well alongside our other helpful tools.
Discover your Life Values, try Smooth Conversations and share Love Sparks.
