Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT)
Understanding the emotions and patterns underneath relationship conflict
What is Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy?
Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, often called EFT, is a relationship therapy approach based on attachment theory. It helps couples look beyond the surface argument and understand the deeper emotions, needs and relationship patterns underneath it.
An EFT Couples Therapy approach can help us spot the patterns couples often get caught in. For example, one person may push harder to be heard, while the other becomes defensive or withdraws. Over time, the pattern itself can create more distance in the relationship.
By learning to recognise these patterns and understand more clearly what each person is feeling, we can handle emotions better, and respond with more empathy, honesty and compassion.
Exploring Emotions Underneath Relationship Turmoil
Arguments are rarely just about the dishes, money, parenting, sex or who said what.
Underneath the conflict and frustration, there may be hurt, rejection, loneliness, fear, shame or the feeling that you’re not important to your partner.
While the other person may be feeling criticised, blamed or worried that they can never get things right.
When couples only react to what they see on the surface, the underlying emotions can easily be missed.
Improving Your Emotional Awareness
Becoming more emotionally aware helps make room for a different conversation to happen.
However, sometimes these old behaviours and quick-responses have a much longer history. This can include behaviours learned from early childhood, past relationships, family experiences, trauma and the ways we’ve learned to protect ourselves over the years.
All these things can influence how we respond to our partner today.
In Relational Life Therapy, Terry Real describes this reactive, protective part of ourselves as the Adaptive Child – the part of us that learned coping strategies such as withdrawing, controlling, pleasing, attacking and avoiding.
Those strategies may have been useful in the past, but they can create problems when they automatically show up in your relationship as an adult.
This is one of the things we may work on together in Couples Counselling.
How I Use Emotions in My Work with Couples
Emotional awareness is an important part of how I work with couples, and I weave it into my work with the Gottman Method, and Relational Life Therapy, depending on what is happening for each couple.
Together, these methods overlap in useful ways, helping you to:
- Understand emotional patterns.
- Improve communication.
- Reduce defensiveness.
- Respond with kindness and compassion.
- Support each other.
- Build a stronger, closer relationship.
For some couples, the work is about rebuilding closeness after years of slowly drifting apart. For others, it may involve managing stress, resentment, recurring conflict, unmet needs, to restore a stronger partnership.
For others it might be about infidelity and rebuilding trust.
Emotional work isn’t about dwelling on feelings. It’s about understanding what those feelings are telling you, so you can respond more effectively, support each other better, and build a more connected and harmonious relationship.
Explore Your Emotions
Sometimes the hardest part is simply working out what you are actually feeling.
The free Emotions Explorer gives you a visual way to explore all the emotions over 13 emotional categories. It’s inspired by the emotional language explored in Brené Brown’s book Atlas of the Heart.
You can use the free Emotions Explorer to:
- Name what you’re feeling more accurately.
- Explore the emotional “places you go” when things become difficult.
- Notice recurring patterns.
- Understand what may be sitting underneath strong feelings, like anger, stress or sadness.
- Use a shared language between you for better conversations.
For example, you might sometimes say: “I’m feeling angry”… And you may actually be more closely feeling hurt, ashamed, or rejected.
Or at times you or your partner might say “I’m feeling stressed”… When a closer look might reveal feelings of worry, or even dread are at play.
Even a small shift in emotional language can make a difference, and change the direction of a conversation, and what the next step might be.
Couples Counselling with Jacqui Hogan
Support for couples who want things to change
If emotions, conflict or disconnection are keeping you and your partner stuck, couples counselling can help you understand what’s happening beneath the surface and begin changing those patterns.
I often work with couples through my Save My Marriage Program, blending emotional work with practical approaches from the Gottman Method, Relational Life Therapy and other relationship tools.
Learn more about me, and how I work, or get in touch to talk through what’s going on for you and hear how couples counselling can help.
Contact Jacqui
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About Jacqui Hogan
Jacqui is a warm and compassionate couples counsellor with more than 25 years of counselling experience, including 10 years specialising in couples counselling.
Based in McCrae on the Mornington Peninsula, Jacqui supports couples online, in person, and through private couples counselling retreats.
Her approach is practical, empathetic and tailored to each couple’s needs. Jacqui draws on advanced training in Gottman Method Couples Therapy, Relational Life Therapy, Emotionally Focused Therapy, trauma-informed practice and infidelity recovery.
Formal qualifications
Bachelor of Social Work — La Trobe University
Diploma of Counselling Psychology — Ampersand Australia, 2009
Professional memberships
Gottman Relationship Checkup Approved Member
Australian Association of Social Workers
